breathing
by paopu berry
Summary: there were once days when laughter felt real.


(Edit February 2009: Previously known as _Ungone._ I've changed the entire story while still leaving the plot intact. This goes out to all my reviewers. Thanks for reading!)

I apologise in advance should anyone be offended by the prep-jock comments made further on; it was the only way I could sort of keep Sam in character. I don't mean anything by it.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my notebooks and pencils.

* * *

Breathing

* * *

I woke up in the middle of one stormy night for the umpteenth time this week, strands of wet hair plastered to my cheeks and cold beads of sweat fresh on my forehead.

It was obviously thanks to my nightmare, the one that was always the same - the only two friends I've ever been blessed with would die the most gruesome death, leaving me to be the lone, undeserving survivor.

My friends? Sure, they weren't perfect. There was Danny. He was the sort of guy everyone would want to be friends with, if only he wasn't such a loser. I mean, he's got an infallible sense of justice and loyalty. He was the kind of guy who'd stick up for you even if you'd betrayed him twice over. He was the kind of guy who always listened to whatever it was you had to say, even if it took you three hours just to say one sentence, mostly because you were too busy gazing into his cobalt eyes.

He was becoming too far out of my reach. It was seldom we ever got to hang out like we used to, but I guess it came with the job: Danny lived the "zero by day, hero by night" thing. It's reminiscent of something out of a comic book, and I'd have to say it's my fault. After all, I made him wear that stupid suit and check out that even stupider portal. I was the root of his troubles, the reason why he was constantly battling just to survive.

Just to help everyone else survive.

And for what? They sure as hell didn't show a modicum of gratitude; they didn't even know who he truly was. He was far too good for his, well, own good.

He was Danny Fenton before he was Danny Phantom. And I just wanted him to by my hero, and no one else's.

Of course, there was also Tucker, the icon of a tech geek, nerd, or whatever you please. You could've seen him live in action at the Nasty Burger, attempting to make a "smooth" move on some random preppy girl, breath-freshener in hand and all. He was the kind of guy who felt no remorse after stealing your soda while you were away at the counter or bathroom, only to put it on your seat, which you sadly wouldn't notice until you sat back down. Then you'd be walking back home with the incessant chortling of your idiot friends, and the occasional "Hey! That girl wet her pants!" every block or two. So much for suave and debonair, Tuck.

Speaking of which, he always came dressed in funky clothing, the kind that you'd find way at the bottom of an innermost closet after years. You'd think with all that money he saved up to buy computers or anything that's a part of "tech" and "nology", he'd have saved up some to provide himself a more suitable wardrobe. I forgot to mention they reek of meat. I loathe meat.

But I love my two crazy friends. I would die for them.

Yet somehow, in these nightmares, every ghost that Danny had ever vanquished would reappear and try to avenge themselves. They would always succeed in tasting that sweet revenge, but I'd be the one to manage escaping, unscathed. Why? Because my friends would sacrifice their lives for me.

I tried to shake off the nauseating feeling that crept up from behind, reaching over my bare shoulder as I shivered violently. I clutched my heart and breathed deep to steady myself, to salvage whatever was left of my sanity. I peeled the blankets off and gasped as I was hit by a sudden autumn draft, though I hadn't left any windows open. I sighed as I turned to stare at the mirror across my room. Perhaps I was becoming paranoid; I expected amber eyes to peer at me from within. A previous enemy, as in the nightmares…?

I only found a pair of dull lavender eyes boring warily back into mine.

I shook my head, looking down at the dizzying floor. My head was swimming, the ground was spiraling, and my insides were churning. I tried to tell myself it all meant nothing, that they were just meaningless dreams. I had other things to worry about.

But at the same time, something in the back of my mind warned me that these were nothing short of premonitions…

;;;

We decided school wasn't going to get in the way of our downtime any longer.

The day was perfectly clear, what with the azure skies and cotton-candy clouds. And what better way was there to celebrate absolutely nothing by relaxing in the park? This was our sanctuary, where everything was at peace. I lay my head on the moist grass, taking in the sound of the tree's arms gently swaying to and fro, rustling the new spring leaves, as if to rock my troubles away. I breathed in the rich and loamy scent of the earth, my ears tuning in to the mellifluous humming of dragonflies not too far off.

The wave of fear that had crashed onto the shores of my heart long ago was beginning to subside, a serene strength locking into place.

I felt a hand brushing strands of my dark hair away from my closed eyes, and blushed. I knew that touch anywhere. I smiled softly before I lazily swatted Danny's hand away. "I'm trying to get my beauty sleep here."

Mocking laughter erupted from beside Danny. "What beauty? That a new word to refer to the dumb goths of Uglyville?" Even Danny chuckled. Those immature jerks. I didn't budge, resisting the dire urge to get up and teach them a lesson.

Only now that I think about it, I wish I hadn't felt that way.

The sky visibly darkened as zephyr-driven slate clouds seethed overhead. It was all so sudden: Black, swirling masses emerged out of thin air, engulfing all traces of warmth that was left of the now-gone glowing sun. A strong gust swept our way, knocking us off our feet. I caught on to the body of a toppled-over tree. Screams of horror came from every direction, but were soon drowned out by the deafening roar of the wind. From out of the corner of my eye, I could see Danny transforming into the hero I knew so well.

But where was Tucker?

This wasn't happening.

I opened my mouth to call out for Tucker, hoping with all I was ever made of that he was alright, all previous intentions of pummeling him into the ground for the smart-alecky comment forgotten. Instead, I swallowed a great blast of air. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. The wind swirled around me like a raging maelstrom, as if to vehemently pry my fingers off the one thing that still kept me in one piece.

And it did.

The second I felt myself let go of that tree trunk, two firm arms pulled me into a protective embrace. "It's okay!" Danny hollered. Who the heck was he trying to fool?

I squinted, and saw that he had landed us right in the centre of a circle of faces I had fervently wished never to see again.

"…every ghost Danny had ever vanquished would reappear and try to avenge themselves."

I mouthed my own words over and over, until something in my brain finally clicked. It was then I realised with a sickening jolt of terror that my nightmares were being brought to life in this cruel facade we called reality.

I slowly looked up at him despite the feeling of my skin being raked by icicles. He was in no shape to fight; he was summoning the last of his waning power just to hold me up, shielding my body with his. I clawed at his arms, needing him to let me go.

"We have to find Tucker!" I cried, with an urgency as palpable as his. From behind me came an unctuously sinister voice with an equally sinister bargain.

"We have your friend. We'll hand him over if dear Danny… comes with us." My stomach twisted into a Gordian knot as a rush of panic welled up inside me. It all came down to losing one or the other.

"Not a chance, you bastard."

Plasmius twiddled his thumbs, leveling his garnet eyes at Danny. "How regrettable," he sneered. "I will have to admit that it was my silly mistake for having trusted you to make the final decision." A ringing chorus of derisive laughter resounded from all around. I felt Danny tense before flying towards Plasmius, with me still in his grip.

"I won't forgive you!" he vociferated; an unprecedented bestiality was surfacing. A terrible howl echoed after his words, which I presumed was his ghostly wail. Seconds later, he wheeled with his fist clenched, lime green orbs radiating forth from the palms of his hands, and aimed right at his object of hatred. Plasmius, shaken from Danny's first attack, shot up blocking the blast of energy by summoning up translucent mirror-like screens and thundered, "Do it now, Skulker!"

Without another word, the armor-clad devil raised his gun and fired. I shut my eyes tightly as though doing so would deter the inevitable pain I knew was sure to follow. I then heard a bloodcurdling scream piercing through the heavy air, realising with a dead pang that it did not belong to me.

"TUCKER, NO!"

As I fell through the sky, a surge of eerie calm washed over me, erasing my mind of everything I would ever know.

;;;

I grimaced as the gravel crunched beneath my feet with every step.

With a final glance back at the lonely stretch of dirt road behind me, I turned my back to the cemetery's entrance. I started off lamely toward the sunset, a gradient sky dyed with resplendent reds and indigos and every other colour in between. My feelings were in stark contrast to the luminous hues I faced, morbid, deep, and dark; nothing new. I just knew I was some cursed witch. How else could it have been possible that I had had those damn recurring visions last year and had them… had them materialize right before my eyes?

In that instant, I hated myself with every fiber of my being. Tears fought to escape an internal dam as I kicked the ground in unbridled fury, sending up a hazy dust cloud. So long as I'd known about the horrors that plagued me for months on end, I could've done something to avert it. I could've done something.

I didn't want to go home. Home was where I was reminded of perfect friendships and a perfect family; in essence, everything I had lost. I fished my keys out of my black skirt pocket, dreading what fate awaited me this time on the other side of that door.

"Where the fuck were you!"

No sooner as I'd opened the door, a figure lunged at me like a predator would at its prey. I hit the floor, wrestling to get the man off me even if meant getting killed in the process. My father's long fingers wrapped around my throat, causing my breaths to be expelled in harsh gasps. I began to see stars. Not wanting things to end this way, I dug my nails deep into his hands, scratching them as he leapt away momentarily from the pain. As I got up to run, he grabbed my upper arm and slapped me with all the strength he could muster. I recoiled sharply from the strike, but I had no time to stand around like a moron. So I flew up the flights of stairs like a coward, the voices from my past egging me on.

I locked my room and ran a shaky hand through my long hair, sliding down the door in defeat. I was drained. See, my mom left some time ago. I can't even recall when, but it was of no concern to me. I guess she just couldn't take it anymore, all that fake smiling and the whole inane rich-woman-Barbie lifestyle. She probably had enough of me too, the rebellious and recalcitrant teenager. That's when my dad started going berserk, coming home late in a drunken stupor and never remembering what he did the morning after.

I dragged my body across the rough carpeted floor, ignoring the burning sensation in my knees. There was a pain in my heart that couldn't compare to any other sorrow known to the wretched soul. I disregarded the tingling in my numbed cheek from the earlier assault, and ran a trembling finger along the serpentine strokes of my mahogany keepsake box in which all our tears, our laughter, our past, present, and future were stowed away in… in which all of our unanswered prayers were trapped in.

Shoving the box under my bed, I quickly reached for the telephone and dialed for the one person I needed most right now.

…

…

"Hello?"

I didn't respond. I couldn't respond.

"Sam, is that you? What's wrong? Something's up again, right? Your dad. You can always—"

"No. Nothing's wrong, Danny. Really. I just wanted to talk. I just…" I faltered. "Is that okay?" I smiled faintly, biting hard on my tongue as tears blurred my line of sight once more.

_I just wanted to hear your voice._

"Of course it's okay. You can always come over, or I can go there. You know, for whenever you're feeling alone." Though comforted by his offer, I remained silent yet again. But I knew my distress was tacitly understood.

"Come here." It wasn't a request, but more of a demand. It was a demand that Danny was forcing on me, and I felt so compelled to oblige just because it was him. But something held me back.

"I will, but later," I choked out. I didn't want him to see me so pathetic, wallowing around in a grave of despair I was letting myself rot in.

I was so afraid of becoming a stranger to him.

;;;

I sat in the farthest corner of the lunch table, rolling the macaroni around on my tray with a plastic fork.

The buzz of school life never failed to shroud the solitude that formed in the hearts of those who were cast aside. Everything was just a moribund attempt at a cover-up to mend things that were never supposed to be, and I resented it. I hated those dumb jocks with their false sense of buffed-up pride; just how insecure were they to go so far as to torment band geeks and scrawny nobodies to score some swooning sluts and a few claps on the back? I hated those cheerleaders even more, flashing those plastic smiles so wide their faces could split into halves, as they chanted like dancing zombies for teams they could care less about. Maybe all they did care about was donning a scanty two-piece outfit that revealed a little more for idiots to ogle at.

But I was no better than they were. All I had hitherto been good for was luring my friends into the raw breath of danger. I picked up my carton of milk and mindlessly spilled its contents onto the mush-macaroni, wondering if I would've made many lives worth living had I not existed…

"You shouldn't waste time beating yourself up that way."

Startled out of my reverie by the unforeseen intrusion, I jerked my head up to look into the handsome countenance of none other than Danny Fenton. I hastily turned away, feeling embarrassment and anger directed at no one in particular.

"I wasn't. What do you want?" I snapped, maybe a little too irritably. I regretted it immediately; I was victimizing him with my ridiculous rudeness when he'd done nothing wrong. I worked so hard to guard my emotions well, but he still read me like an open book.

He merely shrugged, jutting his lower lip slightly. "Nothing. I just thought you'd like to come with me to see the meteor shower tonight." Wrinkling his nose in revulsion at the sight of my tray, he leaned back and looked me in the eyes with a glimmer of hope. "You will, won't you?"

I let out a deep breath and pursed my lips into a thin line. I felt guilt drop like a lead ball down into my stomach. "I… I don't think so, Danny. I got detention for missing classes for a whole week, remember? Sorry," I mumbled. Somehow, I knew I must not have sounded very apologetic with my excuse.

"Oh, the same way you're missing out on all the fun things we're supposed to be doing together?" he shot back. "Live a little, will you? Just because Tucker's… dead doesn't mean you have to act like you are too. It's been a year, Sam. It's been difficult for us. So why couldn't you open up to me a bit more?" He ran a hand through his black locks, trying in vain to contain his overt frustration. No words came to me.

"I'm going to be at the beach on the other side of town tonight. If you're not coming, then suit yourself." He swung his legs over the bench, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as he walked further away from me.

;;;

I didn't want to breathe.

A thin film of steam was beginning to coat the glass door of my shower. I reached forward to twist the left knob as far as it could go, melting as the heated drops of water danced upon my bare skin. This was one of those only occasions I was allowed to feel pure. I swayed gently to the rhythm of water that quelled me like a flame in the summer rain, wishing it would wash away the burgeoning miasma of apprehension and insecurities, here and now.

I was never going to give myself another chance to cleanse away my faults anymore.

I unconsciously groped for the peeling knife I had put on the ledge earlier. I twirled it around my fingers, finding relief in that it was so… light, compared to the dead weight that had lodged itself deep within my chest. The blade slipped from my wet hand onto the floor, leaving me with a small gash on my index finger. The ruby beads that emerged instantly melded with the hot, pouring drops of water. Crimson turned to a faint pink, which in turn faded into lucidity. It was as though they had never fallen.

My nerves burned cold as I realised the cut really stung. And abruptly, I sensed that I needed more.

I snatched the blade up from where it fell. Without hesitating another moment, I poised it over my forearm and sliced straight through as it flashed in the glare of the bathroom light. The red flowed forth copiously, racing with the water droplets down the drain.

God, this felt so wrong. This was just _so _wrong.

I let my arms drop to my sides and dropped the knife with a resounding clatter. I turned numbly to the glass door veiled with moisture. My own breathing was muffled by the pitter-patter of the scalding cascade that coursed down my body, and suddenly I didn't care because

this

wasn't

what

I

needed.

What I needed to do was to keep a promise I had never made.

;;;

I ran against the frigid night wind, not caring that it clawed fiercely at my flesh as if to rip it to shreds.

The buildings, cars, lampposts, trees, and everything else were nothing but a huge blur out of the corner of my eye as I rushed on. I shut my eyes, feeling the blood pulsing through my veins as I gained more momentum.

I finally rammed into the rail at the end of the road, sucking in heaping gulps of air. After gathering my breath, I sighed as I tread softly on the sand beneath me. The waves gently lapped and caressed the shore only to ebb away, crawl back, and recede again like a never-ending cycle. The ocean breeze carried on its back the faint and nostalgic scent of the briny seawater. I reveled in the sweet aroma, as if the wind was somehow absorbing my worries and dissipating them into the star-spattered sky.

Scanning the area, I caught the form of an all-too familiar boy sitting further along the beach, hugging his knees and gazing heavenward. He looked so at peace, and I did not want to disturb it. I hesitated for a fleeting moment; it wasn't too late to run back.

Did I really even have a place to run back to?

Swallowing hard, I took off my shoes and proceeded to slowly walk toward him, shoes in hand and a myriad thoughts streaming in and out of my mind. The gritty sand felt so cool, damp, and mushy under my toes, but it did little to alleviate me of this growing uneasiness. I carefully sat down beside him, half praying I wouldn't be noticed, but…

"You came," he whispered quietly.

In that instant, I think that was all I wanted to hear. All I wanted to know was that I mattered to someone in this world the way they mattered to me, that someone had waited for me. It was all so wonderful and unbearable at the same time.

Before I could stop myself, I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face into his shoulders. I found his arms snaking around my back tightly in return, murmuring tenderly into my hair. The intangible barrier between us was dissolving into oblivion; the aching gap that had steadily stretched was finally drawing to a close.

Danny rested his forehead on mine, fixing his pacific orbs upon me. They flitted shut for a brief second as he sighed, his warm breath tickling my cheeks. My heart drummed almost painfully against my chest as the ringing in my ears grew louder. My breath lodged in my throat as I felt him brushing his lips ever so lightly against mine.

Why were they so… sweet?

I gasped as he ran his hands down my arms, pausing at my newly inflicted wound from barely an hour ago. He retracted as if I had stung him.

"Did your father do this?" he seethed, curling his lip in a feral snarl. I shot out my hand, reaching for him in desperation to calm him down.

"I'm sorry! I just…" I trailed off, unable to finish. He blanched as the truth dawned on him.

"What… what did you do?" His voice was laced with an unconcealed disbelief as he searched my eyes for an answer. "You… hurt…" I tore away, wanting to look at anything but his disappointed face. He understood, didn't he?

I felt a gentle tug on my waist as Danny pulled me down into the blanket of sand beside him. I snuggled closer to his warmth, breathing in his clean scent. He let out a quiet laugh. He was all I needed. With him, I could forget all the bad in this world that haunted me. I could feel the pain lifting right off the torn pages of my heart while being replaced by the love I held for him.

I felt my eyes fluttering shut as the darkness amplified the silence. But I could hear our hearts beating together this way, beating to the cadence of the waves whispering to us from the seashore.

"Hey, look, up there."

I let out a 'whoa' of awe as I followed his gaze to a bright streak in the sky. I whipped around to tug on his sleeve, like an enthused child receiving candy for the first time.

"Quick, we have to make a wish. On three… two… one…"

Danny only chuckled, but he closed his eyes shortly before reopening them to smirk at me. I cocked my head to the side and crossed my arms at him. "Well? Aren't you going to tell me what you wished for?"

"Nah, I don't feel like telling you. Sorry, Sammy." I made a dramatic gesture of mock surprise and crashed back down into the sand.

"Well, if you really must know, I already got the one thing I wished for. Happy now?"

At this, I slowly sat up, looking carefully over his tattered jeans and plaid button-down shirt, wondering if I could have been blessed with anyone better. Had I heard him right?

"…And? What's that one thing you wished for but already got?"

Danny glanced at me with a small smile and gave me a playful shove. "Not telling until you tell me what you wished for."

I flashed a coy smile in return but said nothing. Hopefully, Danny would prove to be not so clueless after all. Until then, I wasn't telling either.

Well, I suppose that's only because I had nothing to tell.

I didn't feel the need to wish for anything, or anyone for that matter, when I had all I could ever wish for sitting here right next to me under that canvas sky of a million stars.


End file.
